20 March - Saturday
We went to Canto do Brasil with my sister and Chelsey, then went to the Cafe where it was fun to dance and drink… until these 2 idiots came and I allowed them to ruin my night.
Usually I have no problem with people hitting on her, it happens all the time and it really doesn’t bother me. These guys weren’t even attractive, but I was drunk for 1, and for another, I have a lot of family tension right now that I feel helpless over, so it builds this hostility in me that I want to take out on something else that I can better control (or not).
Anyway, so the one guy practically reminds me that Angela and I shouldn’t be together, which is a statement that comes from many angles, and one that I normally don’t give a fuck about. I know we are right for each other, but for some reason, this particular night it pissed me off. I wanted to beat the shit out of that guy, but instead, Chelsey brought Angela and I back to her place, where I wanted to run away- not run away from HER, but I just wanted to go somewhere and break down where no one could see me. Yet another thing I had little to no control over
Of course, this makes her feel like she’d done something wrong because I was shutting her out and it wasn’t fair at all. Luckily, she found a way to stop me from being stupid, and we ended up laying in bed together… and I cried. She did, too.
She has this way of making me feel better by telling me how much she loves me even when I am showing her no love at all - not because I don’t love her, but because I don’t know how to drop these stupid walls and show her exactly how I feel - I feel so enamoured by her, but so afraid of how vulnerable that makes me. So I close up. If I had been dumb enough to leave that night, we would’ve been over.
I am so glad she knows how to make me stay. I hate the way I act sometimes. I can only imagine the misery I’ll experience if I ever do leave. (When in the right mind, I could never)…
The next morning (Sunday), I admitted that I feel weak because I know my sister is having trouble right now and I have to be strong for Krista, even though my heart is breaking for her. …I am not used to crying in front of people, but I am slowly letting her in, and as errant as my behavior can be, Angela somehow still loves me.
She held me and said, “I wanna keep you forever.”
And if there’s anyone I trust enough to do that, it’d be her
